(Family-Friendly Living in Jesus’ name)
When you find yourself amused by a particular comment, a clever witticism, or the sight of your dementia-stricken grandfather slipping on the concrete stairway and falling to his doom, it’s most appropriate to refrain from a guffaw, a belly-laugh or making any raucous sounds to display said feeling of merriment. Instead, you will grin with a closed mouth and go “hmm hmm hmm”. Loud laughter can be misconstrued as a sign of social and sexual naivete, being born with learning disabilities and fetal alcohol syndrome, and this is a facet upon which your neighbors will negatively judge you.
When your niece’s well-to-do in-laws ask what you do for a living, it’s always best to answer with a humble facial expression, wide eyes and a slightly lowered head. It’s preferred that you would bow and scrape a little, just to get on their good side. It’s an honor to be asked about your humble, meager existence and you should be thanking God for the privilege. If you roll your eyes one more time, they might get stuck in that position – and that wouldn’t look nice for the neighbors.
When you get a job, you have to know that that’s going to be your life. Unavoidable layoffs are a real stigmata. The neighbors will spread rumours and think that all you do is smoke and drink, watch daytime tv and fling the cat across the room. So DON’T GET A CAT, become a dog guy.
Hey, Big Guy, you gotta kiss ass. The first thing you do is get to know your boss. Never trust any of your coworkers, they’re nobodies and you should never have anything to do with them, because it’s your boss from whom all good things come. Slap him on the back, become his pal, ask him how his wife and kids are. Make good eye contact and really listen, don’t let your eyes glaze over as you dream of stepping on the third rail at the train station rather than spending any time around YOUR BOSS. You’ll be there for years and years and years….decades….and years. So, for Christ’s sake, GET A SUIT!!!
If you get married, and there’s something wrong with you if you don’t, then make sure it’s somebody of the opposite sex, equal or higher grade point average, but with the same color, but a higher income level than your own, but the same religion, which is best for the children so they won’t be teased in school. The neighbors usually tend to look down upon teased children, and their families, and they always exclude them from the best parties.
Oh, but, uh, make sure they can walk and talk by the time they’re 6 months old and have them reading at the age of 3.
NOW LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT:
Uh, different, yet the same…separate but equal, yes?
Yes that’s right, but NO DIVERSITY – that’s never done anyone any good, except for the wrong people, and we wouldn’t want to be seen with that element out in public, not to mention in our home. Oh, what would people say.
WHAT ABOUT POLITICS:
Always up to the husband. As the head of the house, he’s always right about these matters. It’s important to let HIM speak, and to decide for whom we’ll all cast our votes. It’ll always be an older white man with a good-looking suit. They always know what they’re doing.
PLEASING YOUR NEIGHBORS WILL ENSURE A JUDGMENT FREE LIFE – ALL A PART OF FAMILY FRIENDLY LIVING IN JESUS’S NAME.
GOD HAS SPOKEN.
